It takes courage to introspect: Are we keeping a secret to protect our service or to protect our image?

We all have secrets—skeletons in the closet, dark chapters from our past that we would prefer remain hidden. These could be things we did or things done to us. Often, such secrets are best left buried, especially if revealing them serves no constructive purpose. Disclosing sordid details from the past can unnecessarily agitate or contaminate others’ minds, especially when such revelations have no bearing on their lives or our relationship with them. In such cases, shielding others from such information may even be considered a form of service, as the Bhagavad Gita (17.15) suggests when it advocates regulating our speech to ensure it is beneficial.

At the same time, using the justification of protecting others as a means to safeguard our own image can be a slippery slope. If the concealed information is relevant to the relationship or the other person’s responsibilities, withholding it may not be noble—it may instead be self-serving. Such secrecy can weaken the trust and intimacy in the relationship. Worse, if the truth comes out through another source or under compulsion, it can cause significant damage, leading the other person to feel dismayed and betrayed. They may feel hurt not only by the secret itself but by the implication that they were not deemed trustworthy enough to handle the truth.

Evaluating our motives for secrecy

To avoid such situations, we need to introspect honestly:

  1. Are we withholding information to protect our service and others from unnecessary disturbance?
  2. Or are we withholding it to protect our image and the privileges or prestige we derive from it?

If keeping certain things private serves the purpose of shielding others from agitation without affecting their role or our role in the relationship, such discretion can be appropriate. However, if the secret is relevant and its revelation is essential for mutual trust and clarity in the relationship, withholding it can eventually lead to a breakdown of trust and even the relationship itself.

Summary:

  • Keeping dark aspects of our past private can be acceptable if it shields others from unnecessary agitation and has no bearing on their lives or responsibilities.
  • If the information withheld is relevant to a relationship or the roles within it, secrecy can lead to trust issues, especially if the truth emerges from another source.
  • Introspection helps us distinguish between protecting our service and protecting our image, ensuring our motives are rooted in service rather than selfishness.

Think it over:

  • Reflect on any instance when someone told you something from their past that agitated or contaminated your mind without benefiting you. What can you learn from this about letting the past remain in the past?
  • Consider if you’ve ever discovered something negative about someone close that made you feel betrayed because they didn’t tell you themselves. Why did this evoke such feelings, and what can you learn about avoiding similar betrayals?
  • List three things from your past that others around you do not know. Analyze your motives for keeping them hidden—are you protecting them, your service, or your image?

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17.15 Austerity of speech consists in speaking words that are truthful, pleasing, beneficial, and not agitating to others, and also in regularly reciting Vedic literature.