When someone behaves outrageously and triggers within us strong emotions such as revengefulness or resentfulness, it is essential that we find a balance between expressing those emotions unfiltered and suppressing them unheard. If we just express our emotions, we will burn the other person. If we just repress our emotions, we will burn ourselves — if not immediately, then eventually.
The balance lies in processing such emotions objectively. Even though our emotions tend to distort our perceptions, we can still achieve a less biased, if not unbiased, assessment of the situation if we pause and process. For such processing, it is best if we have someone with whom we can air our grievances, fears, and resentments. It’s good if that person is a mature listener who patiently hears our side of the story. It’s better still if they can also expertly reflect our emotions and help us more clearly understand our concerns. It’s best if they can thoughtfully reframe the situation and gently help us refine our emotions.
As finding such a person is not easy, we may be tempted to take a shortcut by merging the processes of processing and expressing — that is, we may seek out the very person whose behavior triggered us. While it’s helpful to eventually talk with them after we have processed our emotions, it’s unhelpful, even harmful, to talk with them for processing those emotions. Why unhelpful? Because they are likely to be too involved in the situation to act as objective listeners — and even if they are objective, our own feelings about them are likely to be too volatile for us to accept that their responses are objective. While listening to us, if they begin defending themselves or challenging our perceptions or judging our emotions, we may feel further triggered. Such triggering can happen even if their points are valid, let alone if their points are invalid. Indeed, expecting them to help us process our emotions is like expecting the matchstick that triggered the fire to help extinguish it.
In rare cases, if that person is extraordinarily mature or our relationship with them is incredibly robust, they might be able to assist us partially in processing our emotions — just as sometimes a large burnt matchstick might aid in beating down a fire. Nonetheless, in the overall analysis, the risk in such situations far outweighs the rewards. It’s prudent to turn to someone else for aid in processing our emotions. That way, we can effectively abide by the Bhagavad-gita (12.15) guideline: don’t disturb others and don’t be disturbed by others.
Summary:
If we expect the person who triggered strong emotions in us to help us process those emotions, we are expecting the matchstick that started a fire to help extinguish that fire.
Think it over:
- Why do we need to process our emotions?
- What is expected of the person who can help us in that process?
- What’s wrong with expecting that role to be played by the person who triggered those emotions within us?
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12.15: He by whom no one is put into difficulty and who is not disturbed by anyone, who is equipoised in happiness and distress, fear and anxiety, is very dear to Me.
Audio explanation of the article is here: https://gitadaily.substack.com/p/surviving-the-earthquake-drowning
To know more about this verse, please click on the image
Very profound. I have been journaling my feelings and mental formations for some time now and doing that has been helpful in ways previously unconceived. It has made me powerful by dawning upon me the realization that I can program and my mind as I desire, which then governs how I feel.
The Bhagavad Gītā is Krishna’s code written in the Sanskrit language, imbibing which anyone can attain the highest being.
Thank you for these writings of high quality.